A few days ago a friend posted a blog entry about being in the valley. Like her, I wonder why God has placed me in the valley for so long. Except for my initial “honeymoon phase” with Jesus seven years ago when I got saved, I have battled constant despair and oppression. I’ve cried out for deliverance, for spiritual and emotional strength, and lately, for circumstances to change so that I don’t have to be stuck in a hostile environment that permeates and impacts all of my being. But deliverance and change has not come. And I often wonder why.
But I am not resentful to the Lord. I am thankful for the complete conviction that I deserve nothing good and everything bad. I deserve not only a lifetime of misery, but eternal separation from God and just punishment for my sins. And so, as hard as things are, I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to me. A lifetime of misery and an eternity of bliss is infinitely better than a lifetime of misery and an eternity of infinitely worse misery. And so I hold on to this eschatological hope. Though it doesn’t feel slight and momentary at all, I constantly remind myself that the affliction I experience indeed is so, and that it is preparing for me an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as I look not to the things that are seen, but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
This past year has been especially hard due to transitioning out of school without much of a peer community. Having spent all of my Christian life in school and integrally connected to and serving in campus ministry, this isolation has been especially jarring. But I am currently looking for a new church home, and I think that finding solid biblical community with other young adults in the same stage of life will help me.
I have no idea who will read this since I haven’t blogged in so long. But if you’re reading this and you wouldn’t mind praying for me, I would truly appreciate prayer for hope in this life. Honestly, most of the time I have no hope for this life. As much as I try to believe that God has good plans for me and that He doesn’t will for me to go through a whole lifetime like this, I just don’t believe it most of the time. Like I alluded to above, eschatological hope is keeping me going. But I would like some hope for good things in this life as well.
And one last note, if you find this post dark, please don’t worry about me. Though every moment is difficult, by the grace of God I am pressing on. I am fighting for faith and fighting for joy in Him. I hope and pray that a shift is coming soon and that I won’t have to fight so hard all the time. I am weary and my battle wounds are many.